I was at work today, and my coworker asked me why I didn’t have a girlfriend yet. “You’re a good looking guy,” she added. I made some lame joke about having an ugly personality, which she quickly dismissed. So why am I still single?
The truth is I don’t want to be. Of course, I want someone to share my life with. It get lonely at night. It gets lonely not having someone to talk to, to share my life. But it isn’t so simple. It never is, especially for me.
I’ve been open with the few women in my life about this side of me. I don’t feel right being with someone and hiding who I am, even if I’m not actively living as a crossdresser. It’s part of me, it defines me, it’s who I am. After the past two breakups almost destroyed me, in a very literal sense, I left trying to put back the pieces of my life. Should I even include another woman in my life?
It scares me, because with every new person who I let in, there’s a very real chance that my secret will be let out. My ex’s family found out about it because of my blabby ex-wife. I lied and said it was a phase that I went through in college, wept openly, and nothing was ever said again, but the damage was done.
I guess the answer to my coworkers question comes down to one word: trust. I need to trust that whomever I let into my life won’t lie and cheat on me. I need to trust that she will keep my secrets, as I will keep hers. She needs to be on my side. And most importantly, she needs to realize that being with me is a 100% commitment. There are no going out all night to bars and having other guys buy her drinks. If I’m not good enough to go out with her in public, she’s not good enough for me.
And of course, she will have to accept Stefani. I may not let my femme out all that often, but when she wants out, she cannot be denied.
So perhaps I’m destined for a life of celibacy and chastity after all.