“You look like a secretary”, I’ve been told a couple of times now. That works for me. “A sexy secretary?” I ask hopefully to my friend, the second one who made the comment. She just laughed at me. That’s okay. I’ll take it. Actually, I wouldn’t mind being a secretary, preferable for a cute boss who calls me into the office and…
Well, never mind. I’ve let you in this far. I think I want to keep a little of my fantasies to myself, at least for now. I love the idea of living up to that fantasy, though to live it, I must dress it. I need more clothes! Anyone willing to help a girl out?
Maybe I shouldn’t ask. What if no one wants to help? What if some does, for a favor in return? I love the fantasy, I’ll confess to you right here. It’s all about the fantasy, of being the woman eager to please her man. Who wouldn’t love it, to get on one’s knees, to pull out his huge dick, to kiss and to lick, to suck until that one exquisite moment of release. Is that a fantasy I want to realize?
I suppose, maybe I do, but at the same time, I don’t. I need it, but I fear it. I yearn for it, but I desire some illusion of normalcy that I think we can all admit isn’t meant for me. I’m straight, preferring women to men, but wouldn’t I like to try it, at least once? Would that turn me into some slut? Would I care if it did?
Fantasies are fun, but at what point do I cross the point of no return? Am I near it or have I crossed it completely? Maybe I don’t care. Maybe all I want is someone gentle to guide me. Push me and I’ll run away. I don’t like to be pushed when I don’t want to be pushed. But guided and prodded? Well, I think I’ll leave that for now, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if reality and fantasy were one and the same?
Stefani Within 
We should move toward our desires, my dear. Remember, you always have control over how deep you enter into that world. It’s not an either/or proposition. You can have both!
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My honest opinion, Stefani? I have a female partner, I love her dearly, and I would never cheat on her. I’m settled now she is the only sexual partner I will have for the rest of my life. However, she chides me about the number of ‘pretty boys’ (not a few of whom are gay) I ‘collect’ on social media. She refers to them as my harem.
I have however sucked a few dicks in my time, always on one night stands. Does that make me a slut? Not at all. If it does, what does it make the guys involved? However, I digress. The point is it is an experience I am happy to have had, and if I had my time over, yes, I would do it again – apart from the bastard with a microdick who shoved it in my arse without warning, or lube (I wonder if he ever did recover from me suddenly closing my thighs on his bollocks?).
I don’t think you need to be prodded or pushed at all. In fact, I think that’s the last thing you want. If you are curious enough, you will go for it in your own time, and at your own pace. The one thing that encounters with men taught me is that I have no aversion to penises – it’s what they are attached to that repels me. Trust me, if you are being prodded or pushed, you are being coerced against your will by men who will use you for their own pleasure. YOU have to be in control of it.
Only you can make you feel like a slut (although sometimes we NEED to be sluts). Nobody else is judging you. So the only other wise piece of advice I can give you is…
If it feels good, if it feels good, do it, do it, do it, do it! 😀
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You’re awesome, Xandrad! Thanks. 🙂
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Hmm..I was thinking secretary/librarian. Either way, you have a bit of an educated look in your glasses, but its always the quiet ones that you have to watch!
I think it would be interesting to be a man and have the sensibilities of a woman. I do not know why you feel the need to pick one. Obviously, the feminine side is simply another facet of you.
I once dated a man who cross-dressed
. He was an amazing person with an amazing mind. I liked that he could see the world from both perspectives. He told me that he just liked to feel beautiful. What is wrong with that? If fate would have been different, I could have married him and doubled my wardrobe!
As per fantasies, they are simply exciting because they are created through our own immagination and we have the ability to control and guide them as we see fit.
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Thank you for your understanding. I feel as though that’s what I need the most.
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Just always remain true to yourself!
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If you ever decide to pursue your fantasy, I think you might find men to be a mixed bag. I have never met one who is interested in me as a person, or in having an ongoing relationship. Men are just horn dogs! Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in terms acting out a fantasy, but afterwards it tends to leave you wanting more. Even the nice ones are single-minded, and the crude ones will make you wonder why women put up with men at all. If nothing else, As a gurl, dealing with men will, if nothing else, give you a whole new perspective on them. 😛
But you are so right about the pleasure of lavishing attention on a cock. It is sooo fun — but more than that, actually. In a particular way, it is a fulfillment and completion of us as fem creatures. The act of getting on your knees in submission to tease, tantalize and satisfy a man is exquisite and interestingly, it gives another dimension to your own perception of yourself.
Still, there remains the frustrating reality that you’re not likely to meet a man with the courage to be honest about his attraction to TGs or the interest in an ongoing relationship. When I couple that sad fact with the difficulty of finding a woman willing to be with a TG, I for one have come to the logical conclusion that the best solution might well be forging a relationship with another gurl, assuming of course that the right chemistry exists. Just a thought.
xo
Sherri
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I have feared everything you have said for a while now. I don’t think I’m interested in a man as far as a relationship goes, I’m attracted to women, but I can’t deny that I’m not intrigued by the idea.
As for female companionship, I’ve given up on the idea, though it would be a lie to say that I have given up all hope. It isn’t likely that I might find someone, but there is a possibility, maybe, if the stars align.
Right now, I’m going to enjoy my freedom, and learn to accept me for me.
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I know there are a few CD-tolerant women out there, but they’re rare as hens’ teeth, and to be frank, the ones I’ve encountered aren’t very attractive. Women will always be my first love though, in fact I didn’t discover my bi proclivity til I started dressing.
Btw, I wasn’t hitting on you when I mentioned considering a relationship with another gurl, or hinting that I might be a candidate. It’s just something that I think any gurl who longs for companionship might consider given the frustrations of finding a suitable woman or man.
Good luck with the self-acceptance thing. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never had to struggle with that. I came to this discovery about myself rather late in life and it’s felt like a natural fit from day one, and I’ve never really questioned it. The only struggle I’ve felt is going through the occasional spell of wanting to go all out with it, but there are important reasons not to (similar to ones you discuss in your blog) so I’ve just had to learn to be content with living with the dichotomy. Balance is the key, I think.
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Trust me, one of the frustrating things about being me is that I never think anyone is hitting on me. After being overlooked, ignored, and discarded all my life, I’ve come to believe that I’m not wanted. I’ve made my peace with it, and I rarely dwell on it. It is what it is, and I go on.
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I suspect that a lot of TGs are predisposed to low self-esteem, and a tendency to be too self-absorbed, both which are of course exacerbated by society’s disdain for gender fluidity and the isolation that rejection can spawn. Add to that the frustrations you’ve had with work and relationships and your attitude is understandable, although I would hope that sooner or later you can find a way to lighten up, accept your femininity and find ways to have some fun!! When you start accepting and liking Stefani more, others will too.
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