Amarillo celebrated Panhandle Pride as part of LGBT Pride month last Saturday, June 26. Sadly I didn’t go. I had to work all day, and by the time I did get off, the festivities were over. It’s convenient for me in that I can say I would have loved to have gone, but would I really have gone if I had the chance?
Don’t misunderstand me, I would have loved to have gone as Stefani, and tried to interact with other transgender people like me. The issue would have been outing myself. You know the dilemma, I’m sure. Had it been in a larger city, I don’t think the issue would have been as great. The larger the city, the larger the crowd, the easier it would have been to get lost in the crowd. In Amarillo, I don’t think I would have blended in as easily. That, and my manager and a co-worker had a booth. It would have been awkward, at least for me.
I did see the pictures that were posted, and I part of me longs for that freedom. I envy people how have that strength to be true to themselves. It’s a strength of character that I seem to be missing, though at times it makes itself known, more and more as of late. I suppose being Stef is a journey, and it isn’t one that’s easy to make.
At the very least, I wish I could have gone to 212 to celebrate at the club, but of course I had to open the next morning. There’s always something in the way. I’ll try to get out and hit the club again soon. It’s the closest thing I have to being out as I can manage. There’s some sense of freedom in the act of going out as me. Maybe it’s a start.