I’ve been thinking about jobs lately, or to be more honest, a wholesale change in my career trajectory. I’ve spent most of my adult life working in retail, and it just doesn’t jive with me personality type. I’m not engaging or open, friendly or prone to smiling. I’m closed and reserved, not opening up until I get to know a person. I can fake it sometimes, but never when I’m tired. And when I get busy, or angry, I become a terror.

I want a new job in a career path where I can be myself: quite, unassuming, unfettered by unnecessary jibber-jabber. When I think about this new career, I don’t see myself as I am, but as I want to be, which of course is Stefani, my en femme persona. I close my eyes and I can see myself wearing business suits, skirts of course, modest and professional, but with a slight hint of sexiness and playfulness.

As a man, I love a woman in a skirt, even more so if she is dressed conservatively. That’s how I want to dress. I’ve thought about going into therapy, as a job profession, a discipline that would allow me to work in an office environment, one where I would be free to use my listening skills, talk only as needed, where a woman could be expected to dress professionally. Retail doesn’t allow that, or at least the places where I’ve worked for.

It’s a pipe dream, I’m sure, but it’s something that rattles around in my head, especially when I’m trying to sleep. I was born wrong. I wish I were brave enough to fix it. I wish I had the type of family that could support me. I don’t and so I’m trapped.