I think I’ve grown somewhat comfortable going out in public now. It’s a strange feeling, no doubt, to go out uninhibited. I’m still a little hesitant, scared of being recognized, worried about being attacked for being true to myself. This journey isn’t an easy on to undertake, and I’m not even transitioning! Mad respect to those who have taken that step.

For the time being, I’m content to live in this dual existence. It isn’t easy, but I’m not yet willing to make that drastic a change. I’ll confess that I have thought about it. I have wondered what it would be like to start hormones, feminize myself, and take on the physical characteristics of my gender. The male side of me just wants to play with my boobs. I think the female side of me does also. Is that normal?

Regardless, I spent a few evenings this past weekend getting dressed up. I dressed up Friday night, thinking I was going to stay in. I didn’t. I got dressed, and I took my friend to see the lights up in Bishop Hills. They were beautiful. I followed a parade of cars lining up to see the lights. It’s a nightly event in the wealthy area. I don’t know how they stand it!

We went back to her apartment, and around midnight a coworker invited me to join her at a bar. I hesitated, fearing the new place. I didn’t know what kind of place it was, and if it would tolerate a transgirl. Promising that she and her group would take care of me, I joined them. The place was a bust. My friend didn’t like it, so we left.

We made our way to another bar, and this place was jumping. It was packed, and there was a line out the door, waiting to go in. We waited a few minutes, but I didn’t like being exposed. As we walked away, my friend suggested a strip club. I said yes.

I don’t like strip clubs. I find them depressing. Don’t get me wrong, I like looking at the lovely ladies, but I sense a desperation in there. I went in despite my reservations,  a transgirl, in a strip club. I was immediately humped from behind by one of the girls. I wondered who was behind me. She was tall, thin, blonde, and utterly gorgeous. I enjoyed it a little too much.

We sat down, and I did what I usually do and people watched. I had a couple of beers, looked at the strippers, and the gentlemen vying for their attention. I conversed with my friends, but for the most part, I watched. Not my kind of environment, but it was an interesting night. I’m glad I went out!

As for yesterday, I didn’t mean to stay in town and dress up, but the weather was bitterly cold, and it had been snowing. I thought the roads might be clear, but I didn’t want to chance it. I stayed, dressed up again, but stayed in. I watched a documentary on NetFlix instead, For the Love of Spock, before watching an episode of a new show, The White Rabbit Project, featuring the former build team from Mythbusters.

Waking up this morning, I did not want to strip of my Stefani persona, but I had to. I wiped off what little make up I still had on, took of my nail polish, my shorts and long sleeve tshirt I wore to bed, and reemerged as my male counterpart. Ugh!

It’s such a joy to dress up, and I resent having to come back. There may come a time when I’ll have to confront the notion of transitioning head on, but it isn’t today. Honestly, I never would have thought I would have the courage to go out at all, especially where I live. I wonder what the future holds!