I’ve been seriously stressed out lately. Since telling my parents, I thought things were going okay. I wasn’t making plans on showing up as Stef any time soon, but I thought there was some acceptance there. Even when my sister found out and turned on me, I thought maybe I wouldn’t be so alone. I was wrong.
About a month ago, my mother told me I needed to go home because they needed to talk to me. Nothing gets me more anxious than someone telling me that we need to talk, but I went, needing to get it over with. It was as bad as I feared.
My sister, it seems, has been crying about this to my parents. She claims she fears that I’m going to suddenly show up as Stefani to family events, and is saying she doesn’t think she’s going to a family reunion because of it. The more my parents spoke, the angrier I got.
In the end, my parents said that how I lived my life was my business, but they didn’t want to know. They don’t want me to come around as Stefani, nor do they want to see pictures. If, as they said, I decide to go the Caitlyn Jenner route, they couldn’t support me. They love me, they claimed, but they can’t go against their religious beliefs.
And people wonder why so many in the LGBT community turn our backs on the christian community!
They told me I needed to talk to my sister, and tell my last remaining brother. It took me a week, but I contacted my sister. All it was was an opportunity for my sister to attack me. “What, are you going to date guys now?” or “And you think you’re happy dressing up with dresses and fake boobs and makeup?” She was using her training in social work to put me in a defensive position. I never felt such venom!
It’s been almost two weeks since that conversation, and I’m still on edge. My stress has spiked, I feel as though my heart just wants to beat out of my chest. I go to sleep wondering if I’m going to have a heart attack and die alone in the middle of the night. Part of me welcomes death. I just don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.
But I’m still here, living my life. My sister is not really a part of my life, and never has. I never liked her. The judgment and the hypocrisy she espouses keeps me at bay. She presents herself like a typical Christian, posting religious nonsense, pretending to be holy, but seething with hate. I have enough to deal with.
Part of me wants to be done with my family. I have friends, very good friends, who love me for me. They don’t care if I’m Joe or Stefani. They don’t care if I’m gay or straight. They don’t care about nothing except that I’m being honest about who I am. My family, it seems, doesn’t love me as unconditional as they claim.
So I’m stressed out. I’m wondering about myself, who I am, and where I’m headed. Why does my future hold? Will I transition or not? Do I have the strength to live my life without my family? I put off telling them because I was afraid they would disown me. Turns out, I had every reason to be afraid.
This is what it is to live my life. I feel trapped in limbo, not able to breath, not able to live my life. I don’t have the energy to do anything at this point. Breathing feels like it takes too much out of me, but I have to go about my business, pretending to be okay.
Stefani Within 
Be who you have always wanted to be. You only get one life make it how you want it to be and be brave to be ur self! And never let anyone tell you that you are not worthy of love and the right people will stick around and negative ones will fall back. Good luck and never give up!
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Welcome to my world. Welcome…to…my…world.
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I feel so sorry for you! It never ceases to amaze me that religious folks who pay lip service to “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” drop you like a hot potato when you don’t fit within their “norm”. I just can’t believe that family would do that but here it is happening again and again. Lindsay’s words above ring true and you have to think of your own well being first. It is your one and only life. I will be 60 this month and I still cannot choose my path as the years continue to pass – and I don’t have relatives other than my elderly mother…I wish the best for you – and I mean it! Life goes on.
Hugs, Tanit.
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Thanks for sharing that story it hits a cord with me coming from a extremely religious back ground. Be kind to yourself x
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I had hoped that you would have had a better out come. I’m sorry to hear this and know exactly what you’re saying here. I’ve been living just what you’ve got going on now. I’m sure that once you wrap your mind around the ideas of your parents you’ll be fine. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. I say this because you didn’t stay in the closet. Your can do this!!! Be yourself and well, be happy.
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You can choose you friends but not your family.
Sorry that they’ve reacted the way they have. Sometimes it takes a little while for people to get their head around the idea that we are trans and what that actually means.
Christians can sometimes be the worst for dealing with it because they’ve either been indoctrinated that being trans and/or being LGB is a sin, or discussions about being LGBT have been actively discouraged because its an emotive subject and the people who would be leading the discussion don’t want to go there. I’ve experienced the latter.
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Not really sure why our biggest opponents are usually family. They don’t seem to realize they have the power to lift us up and allow us to face just about anything with their support. Until that happens you can always rely on us to be there for you when you need someone.
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Sorry to read about your experience. As mentioned above, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Maybe given time your parents will surprise you (mine sure did when they got news I thought they wouldn’t accept, but they did (they did the unconditional love thing and discarded the religious teachings). It is not my story to say, so I cannot go into details (they passed away before I came out). Suffice to say, “My parents came though.”
You must be true to yourself. You are who you are. Rely on your friends for support. Know that there are people out itrw who care about you. Chin up.
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Stephani,
I have found it helpful to think of negative attacks as negotiations, as they are in effect offers. So we have the power to just not accept the offer, and to make a counteroffer, sweet as pie. “I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but I’m not going away! I’m still the same family member Joe was, and I love you all the same. We’ll be able to move past this! BTW, I can bring my truck over Weds to move that washer and drier, and I promise I won’t wear a dress! There is time and place for enjoying primping and such, but even I can be practical and serious minded. How about 11 am? “
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Sorry to hear about your family Stephanie but you have us and your friends for support be Who you want to be dear. ❤️✌️
BY FOR NOW
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