Sexuality is a perplexing thing, at least for me. It’s probably why I’m bad at it, or at least finding partners. The root lies partly within the question of my gender. While sexuality and gender may be different things, they are, in my own personal opinion, inexorably linked. It’s inescapable.
The question I’m always asked is what am I? Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I a lesbian? The answer depends on my gender. Am I a man or am I a woman? The reality is convoluted in that I identify both ways. I’m both male and female, and somehow neither. That ambiguity is something I’ve been struggling with my whole life. Does that mean I’m non-binary, as one person told me, or am I bigender?
I will confess that I really don’t care to define myself so narrowly. Other people seem to be the ones interested in placing me neatly in a column. It’s what we do, we categorize each other by several different criteria. Height, weight, hair color, race, ethnicity, nationality, body type, intelligence, education. I could probably keep coming up with other criteria, and so can you. It’s human nature.
So when it comes to my sexuality, narrowly defining myself has seemed to me to be an exercise in futility. I’ve always been attracted to women. Simple, right? But does that make me a straight male or a lesbian female? Also, I’ve been attracted to men. Not often, but it has happened. I’ve probably been with as many men as I have women, especially lately. Men are easier to bed.
I don’t claim to know the answer, and frankly I don’t care. I’ve always been drawn to the female form, but a nice penis is nice, too. I can’t help my feelings.
The easy answer, therefore, is to say I’m bi.
The trouble is that, be virtue of my own gender, and the fact that I live my life in both worlds, many find me undateable. I know there are those who aren’t put off by it, but I haven’t found anyone, and most men just want to satisfy some fetishtic curiosity.
So, for the most part, I have learned to be comfortable with my own company. I don’t date. I don’t seek to date, and I rarely, if ever, try to find a sexual partner. Why should I?