Being Transgender

Sunday Stefday

Sunday is about over, and probably will be by the time I post this. Tomorrow begins another work week and I’m not ready for it. I just don’t have the energy for it. I enjoy my Stefani time.

Winding down my Sunday

Yesterday (Saturday) I went with a friend to Quartz Mountain Nature Park in Oklahoma and did some hiking. It was worth the two and a half hour drive to get there. Usually we hike in Palo Duro Canyon, but we’ve been hiking it for years. It was nice to see something new.

But as much as I enjoyed the hike, I did not enjoy being myself. Hiking is hot and strenuous, so I prefer to be in Joe mode. It’s easier on me that way. Just a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and my shoes. Simple, comfortable, and I end up looking like shit by the end of the day.

Not that I’m complaining. I enjoy hiking. We’re planning on a few more trips, maybe a couple to Colorado, perhaps back to Oklahoma to see Turner Falls. There is a magic, pure and real, in being outdoors and enjoying nature. It invigorates the soul

So today was my only Stefani day. I got dressed in shorts and a blouse, and ran some errands. I went to Academy to price some hiking gear, especially shoes. I looked at myself in one of their mirrors and wondered (and not for the first time!) if people think I look ridiculous, a hazard of being me.

I shrugged that thought off. Whether I do or I don’t, I’m going to continue to celebrate who I am. I spent too much of my life being self-conscious. I want to dress as I want and to hell with anyone who objects! I felt cute regardless, even if I had to wear my mask.

Once I checked the prices of shoes, I decided to go ahead and buy my groceries. I needed to get home to start cleaning and doing laundry. I cooked some ribs in the oven, which to my dismay, I overcooked!, and cleaned.

All the while, I relished my time, wishing I could be out in the world, enjoying the summer sun as me. I almost went to the park, almost went to my Alma Mater to walk the campus, almost went to Lubbock to the mall, but damn if I needed to do my chores!

It was a peaceful and enjoyable day, nonetheless. My only regret is that I hid myself for so long. I pushed that aside, preferring to cherish the time that I do have. There are days that I wish I would transition and go full time, but that time is not now. Maybe I’m just a coward.

I’ve been asked a time or two why I don’t just dress up at work. I answer flippantly that I don’t want to mess up my good clothes, which is true to an extent, but I’m not ready to meld my social being with my professional one, even if I’m already out at work.

There are days, however, that I would love to show up as Stefani to work. I just feel that I don’t want to do that, at least not yet, and not at The Home Depot. Maybe I’ll consider working as Stef if I ever move on from there. Lately, I’ve been struggling to make myself go to work. I’m emotionally, physically, and spiritually spent.

I’ll enjoy the last remain hours before I head to be. I still have one last load in the dryer that I need to fold and put up. Maybe I’ll get back on WOW and do a few more quests, or I’ll do another online jigsaw puzzle. Then I’ll get ready for bed, wake up, and have to put on Joe for another laborious week of work, forever and ever.

Amen.

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