If only…

11753870_10204800331195250_1977484206_nI need more clothes, but I’m so broke! UGH! Why couldn’t I have been born rich or something? I need a job, a better job, one that pays me a decent salary. I need money!

Being me isn’t cheap, and I don’t exactly go for designer clothes. I buy most of my outfits at Target or Wal-Mart. Yeah, I’m really high-class, lol. I have expensive taste but a poor man’s wallet. Damn my inability to play nice at work! If only I could get a promotion, or get a better job. If only I would finish one of my many books I’m writing.

If only…

We all have if only  moments in our lives. Some of mine are, in no particular order:

If only…

  1. …I would have been born a woman.
  2. …I could be a normal man.
  3. …I was brave enough….
  4. …strong enough…
  5. …I was skinnier…
  6. …prettier…
  7. If only I knew who I was.

Lately, I’ve spent so much of my money on clothes, but I don’t have near enough. I want more. I need more! I need shoes, boots, I need dresses, jewelry, make-up. If only I had enough money to make ends meet, with enough left over to realize my truest vision of myself.

If only…

Earlier this week, my friend took me to Burlington Coat Factory where I found some reasonably priced clothes. I bought a pair of jeans and she bought me a couple of blouses. Guess what, still not enough. I suppose the truth is it’ll never be enough. Not with my obsession with taking selfies to post online. I can’t help it that I like to show off! I pretend to hate it, but part of me likes the attention, so long as it doesn’t get creepy.

I know I’m not alone in the struggle. It’s hard to balance the girl side that we keep hidden with the public boy image we much maintain to save face. We’re not allowed, as men, to admit that we aren’t 100% manly. We have to be macho, sometimes doubly so, to prove to ourselves and to others that we have a softer, feminine side to us.

You know, I think that’s a shame. If only we were allowed to be ourselves, I think we would be happier, more productive members of society. And I’m not talking solely about the LGBTQ community, but all of society. We are raised to conform to an arbitrary standard of behavior. Sure, some of it is necessary to maintain an ordered society, but why should that come at the price of our individuality?

I realize there are those who have come forth into the light, to show society that being transgendered isn’t some sick vanity, that we chose to be somehow different. How many of us struggled against yourselves, against our need to be who we are, to try to present a normal identity to the world? How many are no longer with us because they couldn’t do it, and opted instead to kill themselves.

Right now, I buy my clothes in secret, afraid of letting my secret out into the world. Sure, I post my selfies, but I live terrified that my family could find out, or my co-workers, or friends. I wish I could go out everyday, showing the world who I truly am, instead of presenting this bitter facade for all to see. I’ve made jokes about wanting to be a woman, and it’s funny that everyone thinks I’m joking, all unable to contemplate that I could actually be serious.

But what if they were to see the real me? What then? Would the accept me and realize that I’m much happier as Stefani, or would they reject me outright? What if I didn’t care anymore? What if I let my secret out to the world to see?

There are so many what if situations that I don’t know what to do, or how to realize any of them. Instead I lay here, dreaming about my next outfit, wondering who I could scrounge up enough money to buy something really killer. Maybe I’m a little shallow and self-involved, but all I can think about is what if I had the money to expand my wardrobe.

If only…

One thought on “If only…

  1. You are definitely right about not being the only one. I’ve gone through a lot of what you were talking about in terms of being afraid of getting caught by people we know. The longer we hold onto secrets the harder they are to maintain. There’s a thing going around on Facebook that illustrates that pretty well. “A professor of philosophy starts her class by holding a glass of water. People thought it was going to be the old Half full/half empty example but the professor asks ‘How much does this weigh?’ Answers varied between 8 and 20 ounces. The professor said ‘It’s not about the actual weight but rather how long it is held. If it’s held only for a few minutes, it is pretty light, longer and your arm begins to ache, even longer and the weight of it begins to be too much to handle. That is what it’s like to hold onto secrets.’ I find that to be the case with me in staying mostly in the closet which is why I’ve been coming out to non-trans friends and it’s been a great relief. Anyway, I’m slowly learning to appreciate who I am and therefore become comfortable with being vulnerable with others because in the long run, it promotes a more intimate and trusting friendship. I hope I didn’t ramble too much. Haha.

    Liked by 1 person

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